He had seen his brother drunk before, but never like this. Joey McPeek witnessed older brother Rich McPeek in a rage. Joey dealt with it, since they had never really spent time together. Joey was excited to hang out with his brother. They loved the rodeo and it was finally something that they wanted to enjoy together. This was the first and last night that the two spent together.
After a long night of drinking, Rich, a diabetic,
took his own life. “It always bothered me that I didn’t know him like I wanted. You could tell we were starting to get close, though. This was one of the first times that he called me to make sure I was going to be there,” McPeek said.
It never turned out like He expected. Joey saw it as a chance to get to know his brother better. He didn’t know that it would be his last chance.
“He (Rich) had asked his girlfriend to marry him and she wasn’t ready,” Joey McPeek said, “He got real mad at her and real depressed.”
This drove Rich to inject over five full syringes of diabetic insulin into his body that night, sending him into a coma. A few days later, the family pulled life support. Joey was crushed, but felt that it was the only thing to do.
“We didn’t want him to live because he would be a vegetable,” McPeek said, “I didn’t want to lose him twice. Once as a person and then to death.”
McPeek cares for his brother, but admits to hiding much of the emotion. He never wanted people to see what he felt then and now.
“I hate when people feel sorry for you,” McPeek said, “Everyone looks at you.”
McPeek feels that it is something that he should deal with personally. He explained so many people try to get involved that he began to wonder about how sincere they were. He didn’t like that everyone knew his business.
“Everyone’s coming up and hugging you and crap. People just want in on it for the drama.”
No one knew of the real drama that McPeek faced. He would, and still does, drive out to Rich’s grave and just watch. Sitting on the back of his truck directly in front of his grave is where Joey did most of his thinking.
Many times he became angry. He would tear things apart and yell at the headstone. Other times he would cry and smoke. Joey isn’t a smoker, but he wanted something to release his feelings.
“Nobody else saw the emotion, only Rich,” he said.
He made due. It’s the only thing that he had an option to do he said.
“There was no choice to just stop. I had to go to school, I had to live my life,” he said.
McPeek did just that and made it to college, where he could start over with new people. He searched for friends that didn’t know his past so intimately. After a traumatizing Senior year full of guilt, grief and tears, he wanted to go to the future.
“It’s not that I wanted Rich gone. I just wanted away. I wanted to have this as past,” McPeek said.
Today, things have gotten better and it is easier to cope with the pain. Little things don’t bring memories flooding back like they used to. However Joey admits that nothing can take that night away from him.
“The memory might fade for some things, but the hurt catches up with you every now and then,” he said.
He said that the images of that day are still very vivid. The sounds and smells show in his eyes, as he tells the story of that life changing night. Deep down, McPeek still hurts from that fateful night.
McPeek forges ahead with his daily life. He is now a senior at Winthrop University concentrating on full-time Christian ministry as his career. He is looking to give back and help with his faith. He is dedicated to the same faith that helped him with his brother’s death.
He has a great future ahead of him, but the hurt of his brother’s death never fully goes away.
Mcpeek doesn’t want to forget. As soon as he became old enough he got a tattoo for his brother. A cross, adorned with their favorite attire, cowboy boots and a hat is now displayed on his right thigh.
“It takes me back to the rodeo,” McPeek said.
McPeek is not alone as a suicide survivor. Thousands of people that must deal with the hurt of losing a loved one everyday.
Nearly 33,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. every year according to the National Institute Of Mental Health. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that suicide is the third leading cause if death of teenagers and young adults. Each of these deaths leaves behind grieving family and friends. For every death there is at least six family members and close friends affected. McPeek happens to have been one of these sad statistics.
Survivors like Mcpeek are often overlooked. Left to deal with depression, isolation, stigma and shame, many can develop problems themselves. Survivors must deal with posttraumatic stress disorder, depression and, in the worst cases, suicide.
Studies show that 66% of those left behind experienced depression within 4-6 years of the incident.
International Suicide Prevention reports that relatives and friends are usually the people that clean up the suicide location and these are the ones most influenced. They are 75% more likely to commit suicide themselves after such an event.
After seeing such disturbing things, many claim to replay those images in their heads. They may also wonder about the death and how it happened, imagining just how the suicide occurred. This can take a toll on the body and mind, and doesn’t allow the victim to recover. Thus, they may take their own life.
Some people are very hard on themselves after the death. Many ask the question, “What if?” for their entire lives. Others feel that they could or should have done something. Others may feel pressure from other people.
Stigmatization is another leading hindrance in the healing process. This happens when people treat the victim strangely after a death like this. After a suicide it is vital that the survivors join together for support. Too often though, people do not know how to go about this, and avoid talking about it. They may also feel that other people do not understand what they are going through. This may hold some truth though; some people truly do not know the hurt that a suicide survivor faces.
McPeek feels a different type of stigmatization, but it’s a problem nonetheless. He feels that people try too hard to help him with the problem. His brother’s death has attracted unwanted attention.
In the Scottish Association of Mental Health’s book After A Suicide it is said, “Many people are simply ignorant about the extent of the problem and the fact that it could happen in any family.”
If people do not understand the situation, they do not know how to talk about it. After a death, survivors expect their friends and family to be there to support them. Many want to help, but they do not know how to display that. This can confuse the victims. They can feel isolated.
William Fiegelman explains in “Stigmatization and Suicide Bereavement” that it is usually what those helping friends omit is that creates a problem. They generally do not bring the situation up, leaving the survivors to deal with the problem through inner dialogue.
“As their expectations to gain nurturing responses remain unfulfilled, they often feel offended, wounded or abandoned,” Fiegelman said.
Ronnie Walker is a licensed clinical professional counselor and is the founder of Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors.
She looks to create an environment in which McPeek and other survivors can talk and share stories. She has created a Web Site dealing with all different ways for survivors to express themselves. They can do this through messaging, live chatting and reading.
Walker has also experienced suicide first hand. Her stepson committed suicide when he was 21-years-old.
She has dedicated most of her life to helping those who have been affected by suicide. Her Web Site provides compassion and help for those dealing with a lost loved one. She knows that victims of such tragedy are sometimes misunderstood.
“Survivors are left with a traumatic, complicated grief,” she said, “It is as if every bone in their body has been shattered.”
Walker understands that people who never experience this extreme hurt never comprehend what victims go through. Walker explained that it takes years for victims to heal after a death.
“Survivors are thrown onto a rollercoaster of emotions,” she said.
This rollercoaster is considered a journey to Walker. She said that there are ways to help numb the pain during this time of grief.
“Everyone must find the thing that helps them through the journey,” Walker said.
She also said that journaling is one of the best ways to do this. It keeps the thoughts running through their heads and helps them to release much of their anguish. Her site also helps to provide a conversation that she feels is necessary. Victims must connect with other victims in order to connect and understand. This may be their type of journaling.
Walker feels that the only ones that can truly understand the hurt are those who also go through a suicide situation. She explained that average counselors, family and friends might not empathize with the victims as much, because they do not understand the grief.
“There is no way for them to understand,” she said.
There are other ways to deal with the pain, but Walker explains that most of them deal with those who understand where they are coming from. These options include support groups, one on one interaction, art therapy, distance counseling and prescription drugs.
Mcpeek hasn’t used these options very much. He feels that he must deal with it himself, and only talk when thing become an issue. He is on this journey of suicide bereavement. Almost four years later things are getting better.
He knows that he will never get his brother back, but instead he looks to the future for help. McPeek said that the hope of kids and a family gives him hope.
McPeek looks to take them to the rodeo one day.
